Forgiveness

I really never made you work hard for the love I thought you deserved. I made up excuses for myself when you didn’t explain yourself. I accepted apologies when they weren’t given to me. I tried to see the best in you, even at your worst. I lied for you and even fought for you. While you sat on your throne, your queen admired you with all your faults. At your worst, I made you a priority so you could feel good about yourself.

I put aside my dreams for you. I left my world for you. You didn’t even care what was important to me. I didn’t make you work hard for my attention. I accepted the love that I thought I deserved but you took the love you thought you were entitled to. You never saw me walking behind you, picking up after you. I gave so much of myself without expectations. I gave up so much even when you couldn’t do the same for me. I made time even when you didn’t have any left for me.  You never saw that it was just your time I needed. You never even noticed the simple life I wanted because you were too busy living your big dream. I was okay with just you. What I wanted you couldn’t afford and yet it was so affordable. 

Then one day I figured it out. I began to argue because I cared.  The day I stopped arguing was the day I stopped caring. I stopped arguing and my silence said it all. You showed me why I no longer belonged in your life.  My silence didn’t mean anything to you. 

This sensitive, insecure individual began surviving without the scraps you were feeding my heart. A heart doesn’t just turn to stone overnight. My heart gave up over time. It gave up because at some point the beating slowed down. Even when you figured it out, it no longer wanted you back. One day I realized I didn’t want it anymore, this life of pretense, ruthlessness, despair and no love.  One day, I realized my heart was barely beating.  And with that frail heart I left your world.

Now I’m trying to forgive myself for being who I needed to be to accommodate you, for not knowing better. I’m forgiving myself for giving you the power. I’m learning to let go of the hurtful past. I’m forgiving myself for becoming someone weak and intimidated.  I’m forgiving myself for enduring the trauma you inflicted on me. I’m trying hard to forgive myself for becoming an imposter.  With time I shall heal and move forward but right now the only thing I cannot forgive is you.